airplane tickets

i've bought dozens of airplane tickets. i've been on one hundred fifty flights. my mom and i counted once while we were flying somewhere back when i was in high school, keeping tally on a napkin that came with our standard lunch of a white dinner roll, lasagna, a fruit cup, an lettuce salad with italian dressing packets, and a shortbread cookie, all contained in one plastic tray.

but in spite of all my travel experience, i still feel thrills of uncertainty and terror every time i buy a plane ticket. my mouse hovers over the 'purchase' button on my computer screen, second-guessing, doubting. what if i accidentally entered the wrong month? what if i'm buying one-way when i need round trip? did i spell my name wrong? by the time i actually click the button and purchase the ticket, i've stared at the screen for so long that i'm afraid the flight has filled up while i was deliberating and proofreading all my information for the fourth time.

airports feel like home to me. i've heard dozens of people say this, nomadic people i grew up with. there's an overwhelming sense of comfort and belonging as i maneuver my way through scurrying crowds of people and their groaning luggage carts. i travel light, usually with just a backpack, even when going home for christmas. i sit in the faux-leather seats, looking out at the runways or watching families at the gate across from me. i am never lost in airports, even if i've never been there before. there's an instinctive navigation that sets in wherever i am, whether it's berlin, heathrow, LAX, o'hare, atlanta, skopje, frankfurt, zurich. they all follow the same path: check-in, baggage, passport & security, waiting at the gate, boarding, take-off, in-flight, landing, disembarking, passport, baggage claim, customs, arrival. there is some variation, as in zurich you pass through security before showing your passport and the reverse in skopje. but the general pathway is the same. i've done it a million times, but i'm always nervous up until the point of passing through security and walking toward my gate.

i need to buy this ticket to memphis for an interview in march, and it's just sitting on my screen.