sometimes as the RA of a girls' hall, i just feel like i'm going to tear my hair out or my heart is going to break if i hear one more thing about boys. probably 70% of the heart-to-heart conversations i have with girls involve, in some way, boys and the problems they bring. there are just so many strings attached. i guess the more accurate term, too, would be men, because some of these issues are all grown up, and not frivolous in the least.
in the past few weeks, these have been some of the situations i've talked girls through (remembering that this is anonymous and private, as a journal):
1. there's a girl on my hall who came to covenant as a freshman and was dating her 40-year-old, married-with-two-kids, catholic-in-name-only history teacher from high school. through a lot of interventions and god's work in her heart, she was able to see the light and break off that relationship, but now she's trying to navigate dating a regular, presbyterian, 18-year-old, pre-engineering college freshman, and the transition has been jarring. she's spun so far in the other direction that now the things i'm trying to talk to her about are whether or not it's a good idea to have bible studies with a guy you're interested in and how long you have to wait between relationships for the second one not to be a rebound. i'm almost grateful for the tediousness of these questions.
2. two girls have come to me recently with sudden memories of childhood sexual abuse that have been previously suppressed. what makes it complicated is that in the midst of dealing with these serious things in their past is that one girl is trying to figure out whether her three-and-a-half year relationship with her boyfriend has come down to an ultimatum of commitment, and the other girl is dealing with pain as her ex-boyfriend from the summer starts dating someone who is in all of her classes, while the boy she currently likes (the brother of another girl on the hall) gives her the cold shoulder. it's just a big mess of playing telephone with each other's hearts, approaching boys for each other, getting advice from anyone and everyone until everybody is talking about everybody else and we're all somehow involved in things that aren't really our business.
3. there have been so many girls that have come to me to just talk about their hurt and confusion that boys never ask them out. they wonder what they're doing wrong- are they intimidating? ugly? boring? cold? why does it always seem like everyone else is in the midst of some flirtation while they are forever wallflowers?
4. two girls recently have talked to me about their medical issues, and the fact that they may or may not be barren. the pain that causes and the uncertainties the brings into relationships and romance are colossal, and in ways that are so difficult for me to comprehend.
5. two girls on my hall have been the sole confidantes of boys who struggle with severe depression, and have become increasingly attached to these sweet girls who give them a listening ear and an encouraging heart. but these dependent relationships can become horribly dangerous for both parties, as they try to navigate keeping a distance while also trying to care for someone obviously in need of help.
6. two more girls are in committed relationships of several years and have talked to me about the struggle to be emotionally (and maybe physically) at a level in their relationship where they really should be married to their boyfriends, but they still have two more years of college and aren't financially ready to take that step. what do you do when your heart has gotten ahead of its time?
7. three more girls are interested in guys who aren't christians, and trying to approach them about that discrepancy between their faith and their love lives has been incredibly difficult. saying anything at all seems to be like stepping over the line, and there's no way to confront that without offending deeply. but as an RA, it's somehow my job to speak those difficult truths out of love.
all of these things are constantly tugging at my mind, because i'm engaging with these issues and desperately trying to share any wisdom i have with these girls, but i feel so unqualified. i've only had one serious relationship, and it was in high school. i have my own set of insecurities, uncertainties, defenses and walls built up, foolish mistakes. and over and over again, i'm amazed at how affected we as girls are by the men and boys in our lives. how can they possibly merit so much of our attention? are they even aware that they are the object of most of the late-night discussions on my hall? what is it in us that yearns for these relationships? will we always feel unfulfilled and insecure whether it's in longing for a relationship or struggling through the mess of loving someone?
i only have questions, and yet so many girls are looking to me for answers.
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